About page
One thousand, one hundred and eleven years ago, Tsaar Simeon I the Great sealed his five most annoying concubines in a narrow crate and ordered them buried underneath his tomb. In the present day, the Portland Art Museum, cracked the ancient sarcophagus, freeing nimble maidens for the time in centuries. They are now evading authorities, sleeping in shifts in an undisclosed Puddletown studio, looking for eligible bachelor Tsaars in the Pacific NW.
Bios:
Name: 
Lorne (The Vocalist)
Birthdate: July 14th (1,563 years old)
Blood Type: A-
Western Zodiac: Cancer
Chinese Zodiac: Rabbit
Bust: 88 cm (G cup)
Waist: 78 cm
Hips: 40 cm
Height: 5′7″
Width: 5′3″
Depth: 8′
Hobbies: Embroidery
Skills: Pilates
Catchphrase: “Blood!”
Occupation: Water Aerobics Instructor
Ideal Date: December 25th
Dream Partner: Avu-chan
Turn Ons: The smell of an old storage closet
Turn Offs: Tight spaces
Biggest fear: women
Favorite band: Queen Bee
Least favorite band: Arena Rock Gold (@ArenaRockGold) (Editor’s notes: Why? What did Arena Rock Gold do to you? I do not understand this choice)
Favorite food: Rice Pudding
Least favorite food: women
Signature look: Lace + belt loop chain
Coffee Order: decaf espresso
Priors: smuggling drugs across a border
Highest education: bachelor’s of liberal arts
Pets: none
Aspirations: Sing in front of many many people
Where do you see yourself in five years?:
Dream feature: Avu-chan
Social Security Number: 875-49-9658
Password: no!
Pronouns:
Adjectives: off-putting, frightening, loud
Favorite historical event: The 913 invasion of Constantinople
Favorite child: instagram
Least favorite child: ant
Favorite animal: The Star Nosed Mole
Least favorite animal: ant
Name: Ailee
Birthdate: What are you a vampire?
Blood type: ;)
Western Zodiac: Snake
Chinese Zodiac: Fish
Bust: Knuckles
Waist: Enough
Hips: Deceitful
Height: Enough
Width: Enough
Depth: Into your soul
Hobbies: Seduction, drinking the blood of the innocent, erotic larceny, breaking illicit guitars, and collecting hotel key-cards
Skills: Piercing gaze, piercing gays, belt, manifesting illicit guitars
Catchphrase: Wouldn’t you like to know?
Occupation: Piercing gaze
Ideal date: first, we ████ for a long time before taking a long walk along the river while we █████████ internally. due to the inherent carnal eroticism of the ███████████ ███ until █████████ maybe some blood? Finish it off with ████████████ ███████████████ █████████ (Editor’s note: ew? ) in the back of a U-Haul;)
Dream Partner: The Thing from hit movie The Thing, also your mom
Turn ons: Piercing gays
Turn offs: Piercing straights
Biggest fear: What are you a cop?
Favorite band: What are you a question I’m filling out for a musician bio?
Least favorite band: I hate Car Seat Headrest
Favorite food: Cheese
Least favorite food: Do you want to find out?
Signature look: Butch Will Toledo
Coffee Order: Double shot rat milk
Priors: Two counts of felony aggravated dykeistry
Highest education: Two blunts and a ginger ale
Pets: Yes please
Aspirations: I don’t have anything yet
Where do you see yourself in five years?: Unconscious in a ditch wearing dog ears
Dream feature: Butch Will Toledo
Social Security Number: 161-69-1312
Password: 161-69-1312
Pronouns: This post is visible with Reddit Gold
Adjectives: slimy, pungent, porous, funky
Favorite historical event: Cambrian Explosion
Favorite child: Butch Will Toledo
Least favorite child: futch Will Toledo
Favorite animal: Shaggy big naturals
Least favorite animal: Your mom
Name: 
Pet (???)
Birthdate: Some time in spring (We’re not really sure, honestly)
Blood Type: Mik
Western Zodiac: ?
Chinese Zodiac: :)
Bust: 10 (B cup)
Waist: 11 (C cup)
Hips: Where it wears the cup
Height: 5′9″1‴
Width: 1′3″10‴
Depth: 0′0″2‴
Hobbies: Pacing in circles, Biting, Soldering
Skills: I think it plays the guitar! Wow!
Catchphrase: “Is this thing on?”
Occupation: FUnemployed
Ideal Date: Honestly not that interested in dating, however;
Dream Partner: Wants one to cook, one to do the dishes, one to carry it around like a little princess, etc
Turn Ons:
Turn Offs:
Biggest fear: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_phobias/
Favorite band: My Chemical Romance (Fake punk)
Least favorite band: Some guy under an overpass where it lives likes to bang on a bucket like a drum and it’s honestly like. It’s fine, he can live his life and i i mean it knows how hard it is on the street first hand but like it is under an overpass so the sound carries like crazy and it has really sensitive ears sometimes, its prone to ear infections and pressure headaches and stuff so its just so overwhelming sometimes but you know writing this it thinks it’ll get this guy a sandwich some time and maybe ask him to pretty please move like 20 feet in either direction so it can walk under this freeway overpass without ear plugs? Or it’ll start using ear plugs again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Favorite food: It likes those little sour candy rainbow things so much! also hot chips
Least favorite food: Those rainbow strips make its tummy hurt :( also hot chips
Signature look: That stupid jacket and smug expression. Also a face mask.
Coffee Order: caffeine and theobromine is not safe for it.
Priors: ORS 163.325, Assault in the First Degree, Attempt or Conspiracy to Commit Aggravated Murder, Assault in the Second Degree, Assault III, ORS 163.213, ORS 802.220, Assault IV, Assault V, Sodomy if you ask some christians, Assault VIII… (Editor’s note: For brevity, this section has been truncated. Please contact the Gravure help and support email to inquire about the whole unedited report.)
Highest education: bachelor’s of liberal ANARCHIST!!! arts
Pets: It responded to this question by tilting it’s head.
Aspirations: It says it knows this is bad, you have to get all the air out of the syringe before doing your various injections. (Editor’s note: This doesnt actually appear to be as much of a problem as is commonly assumed ref, however, it is not beneficial in any way to inject air into your body so you might as well not.)
Where do you see yourself in five years?: (It pointed at a mirror when I asked this. Very clever.)
Dream feature: It said it’d want the sublime 3 text editor to stop asking it to pay; quote: “It doesn’t own and money :(“ (Editor’s note: I am unsure as to how it spoke those ASCII characters out loud, as I was not present for this question)
Social Security Number: 4
Password: no!
Pronouns: it/its/its/f██/███/d███/████████████████/██ (Editor’s note: This section has been censored for politeness in decent company. If you are not decent company, contact the Gravure help and support email to inquire about the whole unedited report)
Adjectives: Fuzzy, Guitar (Editor’s note: It refused to believe this was not an adjective. When I attempted to explain what an adjective was, it bit me. There will be no further notes as I have to attend to this wound.)
Favorite historical event: That Fascist Space Program
Favorite child: “The ones I ate :(“
Least favorite child: Yeah
Favorite animal: They are all so nice and squishy!
Least favorite animal: Aardvark. (One Last, immaterial Editor’s note: It definitely does not know what that is.)
Name: 
April
Birthdate: December 5th
Western Zodiac: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac: Rat
Bust: :( (Editor’s note: :) )
Waist: 38”
Hips: Enough
Height: 5’9”
Depth: quasi-shallow
Hobbies: 1D chess
Skills: Excel and Quickbooks
Occupation:
Ideal date: March 31st
Turn ons: goo
Turn offs: gunk
Biggest fear: Bedtime
Favorite band: Godflesh
Least favorite band: Hoobastank
Signature look: Tweed blazer with a lame dress
Coffee Order: Cappuccino
Priors: In the public record
Highest education: day 2 driving school
Pets: chartreux kitty Pepper
Aspirations: no?
Where do you see yourself in five years?: mostly decomposed
Dream feature: Hatsune Miku
Social Security Number: 415-31-7298
Pronouns: she/her, it/its
Adjectives: Gloomy
Favorite historical event:
Favorite animal: Hatzegopteryx
Least favorite animal: John Wayne
Name: 
Violet
Birthdate: 00/00/0001
Blood type: C Neutral
Western Zodiac: Sagittarius
Chinese Zodiac: Horse
Bust: 1 yard
Waist: 3 Feet
Hips: 36 Inches
Height: Flat
Width: Inverted
Depth: Ankle Deep
Hobbies: Antique Cobbling
Skills: Cobbling Antiquely
Catchphrase: “I cobble!
Occupation: Cobbler
Ideal date: I teach you to cobble
Dream Partner: A hosier
Turn ons: Mastering the piccolo
Turn offs: Journey
Biggest fear: The Sun
Favorite band: Sparks
Least favorite band: Journey
Favorite food: Journey
Least favorite food: Tom Petty
Signature look: Lost
Coffee Order: Lavender Latte
Priors: (Editor’s notes: This Question Intentionally Left Blank)
Highest education: School
Pets: Yes
Aspirations: No
Where do you see yourself in five years?: Spilt across multiple realities
Dream feature: Le Tigre
Social Security Number: 223 65 7109
Password: Wordpass
Pronouns: She/Her
Adjectives: Snazzy
Favorite historical event: The day I realized I could tie my shoes
THERE MAY BE MORE BAND MEMBERS. THEY HAVE JUST NOT ANSWERED THE REQUIRED QUESTIONS YET AND AS SUCH DO NOT YET EXIST. SORRY ABOUT THAT.